GREAT NEWS! After months of failed attempts, the Flipbooks 'Inspired Recovery from Grief' and 'Will I Melt Into My Breath' are now working again. Click on the links to the right or on the titles above. If you haven't seen them, they are both inspirational in content. Enjoy!
Observing The Power of Human Connection
June 1, 2009
“But behavior in the human being is sometimes a defense, a way of concealing motives and thoughts, as language can be a way of hiding your thoughts and preventing communication.” -Abraham Maslow
Dear Gentle Seekers,
I was traveling through a small town nearly when I ran into some roadwork. A group of men were removing some storm-damaged branches from trees overhanging the road. On each end of the work zone, men stood with signs that said STOP on one side, SLOW on the other. I was second in line to the now stopped traffic.
The young man on my side of the work zone held a sign that he would flip to SLOW every couple of minutes, but the car in front of me didn’t move forward. After 15 seconds of SLOW he would change it back to STOP. Cars were lining up in back of me.
The 3rd time he changed it to SLOW, I began to wonder what could be wrong with the car in front of me. The driver seemed to be looking ahead and the brake lights were lit, telling me that a foot was operating the brake pedal. I could see the person on the other side of the work zone, standing there with his hands on his hips, occasionally gesturing them to go, but the man in front of us, continued to have his back to the line of traffic we were in, never signaling, never even glancing in our direction.
It occurred to me then, that the car in front of me was waiting for human acknowledgement. They were waiting for eye contact, hand signals or some other engagement of a human connection. The turned back and lack of engagement other than a casually rotated sign to SLOW, triggered a ‘freeze’ reaction in this driver.
After a honk from the car in back of me, the frozen car crept forward on the 5th SLOW signal. I could see the driver was still waiting for permission to pass our traffic coordinator, of which was denied to this driver. As the car made it passed the far traffic director, he made eye contact with me, threw his hands in the air and pointed a finger at his head. I understood his gestures, but actually felt sorry for the driver. After all they were only waiting for someone to acknowledge that they wanted to get through the construction zone and were being respectful of the workers safety.
I thought about this scenario for several days. How it was typical of the human condition in a lot of emotional charged situations. How often does the soul cry out for human connection when we are in a stopped position? How readily will we proceed when we have been given a signal to go? And what is our signal to go? How much of a signal do we need? How does our perception of the lack of connection inhibit our willingness to take a risk and proceed if no connections are made? When applied to grieving, how often do people not want to risk the journey of bereavement without that connection being made? What happens to them? I cannot imagine a person experiencing a loss proceeding to grieve without a permission connection being made by another, except for a very young child/infant. Even someone willing to be a witness would have to make the first move and somehow signal that it is allowed to experience the emotions of another. Somehow, somewhere, we have learned as a society that it is only OK to proceed to get messy emotionally when someone else has given us permission to do so. Only a young child/infant, who hasn’t learned our ‘proper conduct’ rules, would boldly interrupt someone for comfort.
S O F T E N:
S = Smile
O = Open Posture
F = Forward Lean
T = Touch
E = Eye Contact
N = Nod.
So today, instead of avoiding someone who is experiencing a loss, make eye contact. Make the phone call or send out a signal that it is OK with you to experience, by way of witnessing, the grief of another. Where your back has been turned, where you have shut down the possibilities of connecting with a friend, co-worker or loved one, turn around and open the door. Have an open heart to the human experience of sharing a moment or an hour of grief.
Today, if you are one in need of witnessing, open your heart so that others can see you. Reach out to another and express your need to be witnessed. When the phone calls, cards and eye contact do come forth; let your heart and soul be open to receiving them.
Coincidences are where you look for them, when you are open to seeing them.
I believe!
Lynn
The final issue of Seeking Out Light will focus on 'Good Good Byes' was mailed the week of May 15, 2009. Back issues of the seeking Out Light newsletter are available as either 4 random issues for $30.00 (1 year) or all 9 issues (2 years) for $60.00. Please visit the web site to find out how to order. Original and prints of SOL covers and art are also available.
Click here to send your stories/sharings to me for publication on the Seeking Out Light web site. It's free and confidential. only your 1st name will be used if you wish.
May 1, 2009
"I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still - in each new dawn."
Native American poem
Sitting with Sadness
Dear Gentle Seekers,
The last thing some of us want to hear when we are grieving is to 'be with our sadness.' It seems counterproductive to sit on a pity pot and weep ourselves into exhaustion. It seems more logical to actively seek a physical way to move/journey to a destination of happiness. Joy and happiness wasn't coming to me... I had to 'go' get it. I spent many years and countless hour trying to figure out how to achieve my goal of being happy. I thought I had to do something, to work physically in order to gain emotional health. Grief sweating doesn't only come when you are active.
I realized, eventually, this truth. That in order to heal my sadnesses, I had to be still within and learn what my spirit was trying to teach me. Great learning often comes wrapped in painful circumstances. I experienced many similar losses, losses that were meant to teach me a single lesson, but didn't understand what the teaching was the first million of times. My ego was so big, posturing an 'all is well' false front within my community. The blame game my tool for survival. Profound, incredibly deep self understanding came as a result of sitting with my anger, disappointments and suffering while I attempted to listen for guidance from my Higher Power. My grief was complicated, I was overwhelmed as an adult and felt picked on by both my community and the God of my understanding. Often Spirit answered my clenched fist with the light of greater awareness of my role and purpose.
Today, as you read this, give yourself permission to be still and sit with your loss. Surrender your grief and anger and disappointments. As said many time before, a sure way to heal grief is to journey through all the uglies. A night of private crying doesn't complete the journey for most of us. It takes incredible courage to be still, to be open and honest, but like having stitches, the stillness allows a scab to form on an open wound and healing to begin. Believe in your heart that within you is the necessary skills required to bear the pain and trust that you will emerge intact, with a deeper compassion for all loss - your own and others. This teaching is universal in all transitions.
Coincidences are where you look for them, when you are open to seeing them.
I believe!
Noche oscura (what is to come next cannot be seen)
Lynn
The final issue of Seeking Out Light will focus on 'Good Good Byes' and is being finalized now. There is still space available for publication. I am searching for seeker participation: how did you say 'good-bye' in a positive and loving way? What's your secret to success for an amicable divorce, a long illness, retirement, and graduation? They can be as short as a few sentences or as long as a couple pages. They need not be related to death or dying. I only ask that the stories be inspiring to others. I will respond with a thank you within 24 hours, so you'll know I have received your sharing.
April 1, 2009
Managing Stress
Stress Management
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "how heavy is this glass of water? "
Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20oz.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."
"In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes. "
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow."
"Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short."
Dear Gentle Seekers,
In the United States, these are potentially stressful times. Maybe not the most stressful in our history, but certainly the most stressful in most of our lifetimes. People are losing careers they have held for a long time, and those not laid off are forced to accept pay cuts, freezes or reduced hours. Businesses are closing their doors and some shopping districts in my community resemble ghost towns. Reduced incomes and increased expenses have narrowed leisure spending. All eyes are turned to the politicians (unless you're watching Basketball) to provide relief to their constituents from an oppressing recession. Many taxpayers, myself included, are making last minute preparations to pay their annual taxes from funds that have all but disappeared. If you have incurred a loss of a loved one this past year, it is all the more worrisome to handle the monetary stress by yourself. The only consolation I can offer is that you are not alone and that many members of your communities are suffering right along side you. As in the story above, you have to put your burdens down to give your arm a break. Do something that you are passionate about, perhaps for you it is prepping your gardens for summer, preparing a gourmet meal or knitting a child a sweater. Go to your local library and take out a good book or rent a movie.
In March, I announced to recipients of Honoring our heARTS & SOL (SOL's free e-zine) that with a heavy heart that it was time to let the financial burden of SOL go, in stages, and explained that the blog, Honoring our heART & SOL, would now be delivered using conventional email once a month. The service is still free and you can sign up for it by clicking the button above that says "Honoring our heARTS & SOL."
Now is the time for those who wish to share and be published in either the Seeking Out Light web site or newsletter to submit their stories. THE MAY ISSUE WILL BE THE FINAL PRINT EDITION.
This web site will continue for at least another year, when the domain will expire. This blog will continue as well as the SOL mission to 'witness' reader's stories there. Please use your forward button in your email application to send this e-zine on to friends.
SOL-Seeking Out Light is my passion. It will live on in my heart, and perhaps rekindle the flame, when times are better. The print publication existing back issues will continue to be available and anyone who wishes to receive them can order 4 (1 year) or 8 (both years) issues online or by mail.
Coincidences are where you look for them, when you are open to seeing them.
I believe!
Noche oscura (what is to come next cannot be seen)
Lynn
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull, Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
" A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Now that the February issue is mailed, I can turn my attention to the May issue. That issue will focus on 'Good Good Byes.' I am searching for seeker participation: how did you say 'good-bye' in a positive and loving way? What's your secret to success for an amicable divorce, a long illness, retirement, and graduation? They can be as short as a few sentences or as long as a couple pages. They need not be related to death or dying. I only ask that the stories be inspiring to others. I will respond with a thank you within 24 hours, so you'll know I have received your sharing. Click here to send your stories to me.
 The February issue of SOL is Mailed
DO YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE HELPING OTHERS WITH THEIR TRANSITIONS? HAVE A POSITIVE SHARING OR AFFIRMING STORY TO TELL? SOL is now seeking participation from its readers to write informative and inspiring articles for the May issue which is themed 'Saying Good Good-byes.' It need not be saying good-bye in death, it can be divorce, graduation, career change or other related themes. Can you help by writing?
Please note: The web site is currently experiencing technical difficulties with downloading files. I am aware of the problem and the web gurus are supposedly working on fixing them. Please check back again soon to download pdfs and the flipbooks. Thank you for your patience.
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared --Buddha
The Committee
in our heads
February 28, 2009
Dear Gentle Seekers,
In past writings, I have referred to the fact that within my own active grieving process, amid the confusion, I experience, ‘noise’ in my head. I’ve expressed my frustration in that I couldn’t turn this noise off or even down.
For many of us, the noise is static-like and continuous that it distracts us from finding the peace and serenity we are seeking among the chaos. In the presence of this constant droning of voices, we feel that we are in the midst of a crowded room, where everyone is talking directly at us, but we are suspended in time, blank faced and mute, unable to respond. We find ourselves unable to comprehend what anyone is saying—we experience just a bunch of mouths moving without any clarity, producing a lot of noise that defies distinction.
And all of this happens INSIDE our heads. Goodness only knows how others perceive our physical body as anything other than a plastic mannequin.
I call that drone of voices and noise ‘The Committee.’ In addition to The Committee inside my head, I am also ‘blessed’ with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, and let’s not forget the monkey on my back. The appearance of the Committee is the harbinger of complicated grief for me.
Many years ago, I sought help for what I was sure was my insanity. I felt mentally crippled and totally confused. The Committee of voices in my head was constantly driving me forward, with a very lengthy list of should do’s, must do’s, have to do’s, and done now and with perfect precision. It was all I could do just to make sense of my needs, to keep my energy level up, and I would careen through my day, trying to put out whatever fires appeared in my path.
“Do this.”
“Call the lawyer and the accountant.”
“Write those Thank-you notes.”
“Clean up.”
“Go here.”
“Be there.”
“Do that.”
“Act like this.”
At the place I sought help from, they told me that I needed to trust in a power greater than myself—what they called a ‘higher power’—and that through a series of spiritual awakenings, my life would get better. They promised that through the use of this ‘higher power’ I would be restored to sanity and happiness.
Oh great! I sarcastically thought. Twilight Zone, here we come. Yet another unseen voice in my head, to join the cacophony of The Committee. The people at this place assured me that if I were willing to turn my currently unmanageable life over to the care of this higher power, my sanity would be restored, by this new voice within.
R I G H T! (I hope some of you out there know of the famous —and a very young— Bill Cosby routine called ‘Noah, Right’ from the 60’s. If not, you can hear it at this link – or read it here - very funny comedy routine about ‘voices’ in one’s head).
The losses in my life at that time were snowballing, my tears frozen and careening downhill, picking up speed as well as new losses. Old losses, unprocessed, grew in girth and weight, and were extremely adept at picking up other losses, including losses that were not even mine to own. Any joy was unseen or quickly plowed down. Daily, I experienced a new ‘change’ of routine, and some were life threatening. People whom I depended upon for support were dying or very ill, — some moved away; jobs were lost, and marriages were in smoldering ruins. My heart lay shriveled and closed, hardened to any knocking of opportunities of love and trust.
I eventually invited Mr. Higher Power (aka HP) into my life. I had little choice; I kept running into him, serendipitously, at every corner, with a great big grin spread across his face. (For the purpose of this writing I am referring to HP as masculine, although that is not necessarily my choice.) There were many times that the other voices of my personal Committee would drown out HP’s voice with their urgencies of insanity. Through a process that took its own sweet time, HP eventually worked his way up the corporate ladder until he became the chairman of The Committee.
And slowly, oh so slowly, the attitude of The Committee changed. The relentless shrieking of the very large and hyperactive ‘hurry up and do’ sub-committee was assigned by HP the project of ‘practicing patience.’ A very loud and obnoxious sub-committee, whose sole assignment was passively sitting on a pity pot, was assigned the sole task of actively seeking joy, and the ‘uglies’ sub-committee put forth a monumental effort to become ‘beauty makers.’
The gigantic snowball soon started to melt under this new form of leadership and warmth. The beauty makers brought forth daily a new image for me to enjoy. I could see the sunsets and hear laughter. I found new meaning in the cycles of nature, the tides, and the sun / moon rises and sets, the seasons and weather. I found significance in the circle of life and understood in my heart, which was breaking open, that death was not simply the end, but also the birth of a new beginning. In everything I took the time to look at carefully, I found this common cycle of all elements—the animals and birds, the trees and plants. I learned that graduation was not the end of learning, that divorce didn’t forsake a relationship, that doors I felt had been sealed closed were opened elsewhere.
I learned that weather and seasons contained lessons of beauty: that the tears eventually evaporated into the clouds, that clouds released the tears as rain, that rain babbled in the brook in the woods nearby; that the brook would freeze over in the winter and melt again with spring and its water would find its way into my watering can, and the liquid I poured onto my proud flowerbeds, were all the result of my tears; that the cycle of tears has been the same for eons; and that my tears are also the tears of the dinosaurs, how awesome and inspiring is that?
I learned that you must tango with grief in abandoned joy, although it seems to make little sense. You cannot know the heights of a roller coaster without knowing about its depth.
I learned that an opened heart receives only love and a closed heart attracts loss. That the law of attraction does indeed attract to what and where you are.
I learned that cycles are circular and come around again and again. That in every birth and every death there is found both a death and birth and the life and death are interchangeable, based only on perspective. The only thing linear is the event of the birth and death.
I learned that HP didn’t want to add his voice to the chaos and confusion. He has no desire to lead or control my free will, but, rather, desires only to see my happiness. I learned that when you turn to the care of a higher power your will and life, you get to operate the controls and enjoy the freedom of the journey. You drive when you let go.
I learned that trust is a leap of faith. You can’t trust that everything will turn out ok unless you are able to let go and experience the journey. I learned that there is no such thing as a coincidence, that every event, every loss, every person I meet, was intended by a source greater than I am. That there is a reason why I am writing this blog and you are reading it. I trust I don’t have to know the answer, but I encourage you to contact me if you are so inclined and share your answers with other SOL seekers.
That the monkey on one’s back is carried willingly as a creature of habit, and monkeys are a learned experience from our community. It is not a requirement to live, only a habit. The angel and devil are your conscience. All offer personal choices for happiness or sadness. I’ve learned that the committees and the monkeys don’t come as a result of happiness but offer important life lessons. I’ve learned to welcome them with open arms for short stays.
May you learn the tango from your own monkey.
Coincidences are where you look for them, when you are open to seeing them.
I believe!
Lynn
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Introducing...
Seeking Out Light now has a sign up button for the new FREE e-newsletter, Honoring Our heART & SOL. Same inspirational messages and news as on this web site page, but delivered to your in-box every other week by email. It will be located permanently in the purple right hand column. It's simple to join, simply enter your email address and click 'go' and you will receive the next issue. Welcome!
This Seeking
Out Light Web site was started on May 1, 2007.
It is brand new and we encourage all seekers to help
us make it grow by emailing us your stories to share.
It is a place where people can share their stories
of grief, loss and transition. Go to the Sharing's
link to see what categories we currently offer. Once
a week, as we get those emails, we will add them to
the site, and this forum will become more robust.
New stories will be at the top of each page, so you
won't have to search. Keep it positive and tell other
seekers how you are overcoming your loss or transition.
Authors are identified by first names only. Exceptionally
touching or sensitive stories and poetry will be
posted in the 'Members Only' A Warm Welcome is extended to you. I am
so glad you are here. Send your original, personal
stories or poetry to:
To
learn more about SOL click here.
I invite you to share within the limitation of this publication. Tell your story, your perceptions, your truths about your transitions. Share your innermost soul. Open your hearts. Keep it positive, as the intention of this publication is as a tool of finding the light, of recovering. Share how you are making/made it through, what helped you keep moving forward? How did you overcome the depression, isolation, pain? What specifically helped you? Original poetry, quotes and art are encouraged. Short stories desired. By sending them, you acknowledge and authorize that SOL may or may not use them and distribute them.
Seeking Out Light/SOL hopes, through its community, to change societal attitudes toward grief and loss, by offering to those who are in the midst of experiencing it a forum in which they can express their feelings and witness, without judgment, others who are going through a transition, so that our communities become more understanding and accepting of the process we call WITNESSING AND BEING WITNESSED.
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